


Luke, Savior of the Universe

by Keolah



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Gen, Humor, Out of Character, Over the Top, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-10-08
Updated: 2003-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 14:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/504479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keolah/pseuds/Keolah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke doesn't want to save the universe. He just wants to stay at home, watch football, and drink beer. Who decided that he was supposed to be some Chosen One, anyway? He proceeds to get dragged along on the most ridiculous adventure he's been on since the seventies, hanging lampshades all the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Luke, Savior of the Universe

Luke reached for his beer and realized there was a droid sitting next to him. He blinked for a moment as the roar of the football game was muted. 

"Greetings, Sir Lucas!" piped the golden-colored humanoid droid. 

"What the hell is this?" Luke demanded. A second droid rolled up behind him and beeped at him. "I haven't done drugs since 1974. I shouldn't be hallucinating now!" 

"We are here to take you to achieve your destiny, Sir Lucas," intoned the humanoid droid. 

"And my name is Luke, not Lucas. It says so on my birth certificate." 

"It is written in the stars that only you can save the universe!" the droid said in a dreamy, distant voice. 

"How exactly can something be written in burning balls of hot gas?" Luke wondered. 

"Come! We must take you to our spaceship!" 

Luke blinked again. "Spaceship?" 

"Well, yes. How else are you supposed to save the galaxy?" 

"Now, wait here just one minute. I'm not going along to some spaceship with some weird robot things. It's almost halftime and I want to see the rest of the game!" 

"But it is your destiny!" the droid protested. "Only you can save the universe!" 

"Why me?" Luke asked. 

"Because that is what you are destined to do!" 

He said, "And there is nothing I can do to avoid it?" 

"Nothing! You have no choice but to save the universe!" 

"And it will happen no matter what I do?" he went on. 

"Yes!" 

"Okay." Luke sat back in his chair and grabbed the remote, turning the volume back on, and sipped his beer. 

The droids looked to one another in consternation. After a few minutes, they each took up positions on either side of him. He tried to ignore them and listen to the game. 

"Well, we'll just take you anyway," the human-shaped droid said. 

Luke became extremely disoriented as his surroundings suddenly shifted nauseatingly. When things settled down, he was sitting on his butt on the cold, metallic floor of what appeared to be some sort of spaceship. 

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke protested. "That's kidnapping! Take me back, damnit!" 

"I'm afraid we can't do that," the droid said. "We need you to save the universe!" The other droid went over to insert something into the nearest terminal. 

Luke grumbled irritably and stood up. "I demand to know what the hell is going on here." 

"The Evil Overlord Darth Vader is taking over the universe and you are the only one that can stop him!" 

"Wait a minute, what makes you think I can do anything about it?" Luke wondered. 

"Because it is your destiny!" 

Luke sighed. "This is stupid." 

"Sit down and buckle your seatbelt, we're about to make a hyperjump," said droid. 

Luke figured it was a better idea to do so, even if he wasn't particularly keen on going anywhere to begin with. Rolling his eyes, he sat down and strapped himself into the seat. 

"What are you, anyway? And what should I call you?" He wasn't particularly convinced that he wasn't hallucinating, but he might as well go along with it. There wasn't any point in arguing with something that could instantly teleport you. 

"We are droids. And I am C-3PO, and that is my counterpart, R2-D2." 

"What the hell kind of names are those?" 

C-3PO made a strange snorting sound in indignation. "That's what our creators named us." 

"And why aren't you buckling up?" 

"Because our bodies are inorganic, and can resist the gravitational pressures of the hyperjump better." 

"That makes no sense whatsoever." 

R2-D2 finished whatever he was doing, and out the viewscreens, the stars began streaking by and the ship made an audible *whoosh*. Luke became thoroughly convinced that he was, in fact, hallucinating. 

"I'm not even going to mention how many physical laws this is breaking," Luke muttered. 

"Don't worry about it," C-3PO assured him. 

After a couple minutes, the stars returned to normal and a planet and sun appeared on the viewscreen. It was a swirly greenish white orb. Luke peered out at it, and thought it looked a bit like a scoop of mint ice cream. 

"This is the planet Alderaan," C-3PO explained. "We will now bring aboard our Alderaanian senator, Princess Leia." 

The air in front of him shimmered, and a figure appeared. Luke blinked for a few moments. She was a surprisingly lovely woman who looked like she could have been his sister. 

"Greetings, Sir Lucas," the woman said, bowing to him. "I am Princess Leia, the senator of Alderaan. It pleases me greatly to welcome you to my home system." 

"Uh. Nice to meet you, too. I think," Luke said hesitantly. "How can you be a senator and a princess both?" 

"Before we go down to the planet," C-3PO said, "we must first inform you of some of the Alderaanian customs, so that you do not offend them by accident." 

"Yes," Leia said. "Alderaan has an ancient and noble civilization, spanning millennia. It all began--" 

The planet exploded, sending molten flames toward the viewscreen. Luke gaped and didn't bother to comment that it wasn't possible for fire to burn in space. 

Leia and C-3PO stared at the viewscreen as well. R2-D2 might be as well, but Luke couldn't tell where he was looking at any given moment. "Well," said C-3PO. "I guess we won't be going planetside after all." 

"My planet!" cried Leia, gaping. 

A large space station flew past the viewscreen, and an evil laugh echoed over the speakers as it sped out of sight far faster than anything that size should really be able to move. 

"This is clearly the doing of the Evil Overlord, Darth Vader!" C-3PO fumed. "We must hurry to Arcadia to retrieve the Sword of Power so that Sir Lucas can stop him as quickly as possible!" 

Leia said, "I shall help you in this venture in any way possible, to avenge my cruelly slain people!" 

"Strap in and we'll make the hyperjump to Arcadia," C-3PO told Leia. The woman nodded her head and sat down in another seat, and strapped herself in. 

R2-D2 began making calculations, and the stars began to streak again as the ship made the hyperjump. A couple minutes later, they returned to normal space, and a red and blue planet was on the screen before them. 

"What if he blows up this planet while we're on it?" Luke wondered, slowly unbuckling his seatbelts. 

"Oh, he can't do that," C-3PO said. 

"Why not?" 

"It's against the rules," C-3PO said with a smile. 

"What rules?" 

"The Intergalactic Charter for the Behavior of Evil Overlords, of course," C-3PO explained. "He can't just blow up the planet you are on. He has to take you out in a one-on-one duel." 

"That makes no sense whatsoever." 

Leia stood up and said, "Let us make haste to retrieve this artifact!" 

"Certainly," C-3PO said. The surroundings changed and warped again, and Luke wondered briefly if these spaceships were frequently equipped with airsickness bags. 

When his vision cleared, Luke took a look around to see that he was standing in a hall filled with long lines of video games. Various aliens of different sorts were standing at them and playing. 

"Come! The Sword lies this way!" C-3PO urged, tottering down an aisle. 

Luke made no comment on the video games and trudged off after her along with the others. Down several corridors, they eventually came to a plaza. At the center of the plaza stood a stone with a sword sticking out of it, a shaft of light from above conviniently illuminating the spectacle. 

"Only the true Savior of the Universe is capable of drawing the Sword from the Stone," C-3PO told him. 

Rolling his eyes, Luke strode up to the stone and yanked the sword out of it. "Happy?" 

"It's proof that you are the One!" Leia fell to his knees. 

"This stone is made of styrofoam," Luke observed. 

"We were on a low prop budget," C-3PO explained. 

"And I suppose you're going to tell me this sword is made of mithril, too, because it's light." 

"It's aluminum," C-3PO said. 

"Great," Luke said sarcastically. "And what do these funny markings along the blade mean, anyway?" 

C-3PO went over to read them. "They declare the Holy Name of the Sword, Disclaimer!" 

"Disclaimer? What else do they say?" 

"Discount Swords Inc. is not responsible for any damage or losses that occur due to the use of their product. If your product is defective, you may return it to the address listed on the back of the sword for a full refund. Sword design is copyright 1293 by Discount Swords Inc." 

"And I'm supposed to kill this Evil Overlord, with this thing?" Luke asked incredulously. 

"You must! It is your destiny!" C-3PO said. 

"Drop that sword, you scurvy dog!" demanded a voice from behind them. 

Luke turned to see a man dressed up in pirate garb, complete with large eaerring, eyepatch, and cutlass. "Who the hell are you?" Luke wondered. 

"I am Captain Han Solo, the bloodthirstiest, blackhearted pirate ever to sail the Seven Seas!" 

Luke said, "Er, you're a space pirate?" 

"That I be," he said. 

"Then wouldn't you like, not be sailing the sea at all?" 

"That's beside the point! Drop that sword, you landlubber!" 

Luke sighed and turned to the droids. "Can't you just do that thing and beam us out now?" 

C-3PO shook her head. "Sorry, our teleportation device only works when the plot does not arbitrarily prevent it from functioning." 

He rolled his eyes. "Lovely. Okay, Mr. Solo, why exactly do you want this sword? It sucks." 

"I don't need a reason!" Han Solo insisted. "Though it would sell for a good deal on the black market." 

"And what happened to your pirate accent?" 

"What? Oh. Arrr, you bilge rat, I'll keelhaul you for that!" 

A device on the pirate's belt lit up and bleeped a few times. Han presesd a button on it and a voice emitted from it, saying, "Cap'n! Some scurvy landlubbers have boarded our ship and stolen all our grog! They wore the uniform of the Evil Overlord Darth Vader!" 

"What!" Han cried, outraged. "That does it! I shall join you, Sir Lucas, in your venture to destroy the Evil Overlord Darth Vader, and take vengeance on him for this vile act!" 

"Uh, okay, no complaints here," Luke said. He didn't bother to ask how everyone seemed to know his "name", nor continue to correct them on it. 

"Let us return to your ship, Sir Lucas, and wipe this scum from the face of the universe!" 

C-3PO and R2-D2 took the cue, and teleported them back up to the ship. C-3PO looked over at the readouts and said, "He's already made another hyperjump. He could be anywhere by now." 

"So where are we going now, then?" Luke asked, looking for some more comfortable way to carry his stupid sword. 

"We shall next make the jump to the planet of Yavin, where we shall meet up with our other allies," C-3PO explained. 

Luke wished he hadn't asked. He found a place to secure his sword under the seat, at least, and strapped himself in, alongside Leia and Han. The stars streaked by again, and they arrived at a large reddish gas giant with a green moon. 

"The ancient and mystical world of Yavin," Leia intoned solemnly. "We are truly priveledged to be here on this day." 

Luke made no response, just unstrapping himself and retrieving his sword. "Why exactly are we here again?" 

"We must contact the wise Jedi Master, Yoda, and request his blessing on this venture," C-3PO explained. 

"Why do we need his blessing?" 

"Because he is the greatest living Jedi Master, with great command over the Force, the power that permeates the galaxy, and binds it and holds it together," C-3PO answered. 

"If he's so powerful, why doesn't he stop Vader instead?" Luke wondered. 

"Because you are the Chosen One destined to save the universe, not him, silly," C-3PO said, giggling. 

"This is stupid." 

The five of them teleported to the planet's surface. It was a rather pretty place, really, with gardens and fountains lining the path paved with white stones. Marble statues and flowering trees adorned the area. The two droids led them off down the path toward an ornate building that looked something like a temple. 

Inside, there were a number of painted murals and more statues, as well as a pool of shimmering water in the center. An alien was sitting next to the pool. He looked like a small, green goblin or something. 

"Oh, Master Yoda, we pilgrims have come to seek your blessing," C-3PO said. 

"Hmm? Come to Yavin, someone finally has?" Yoda said. "If it is my blessing you want, something to do for me first you must." 

"What's that?" Luke asked. 

"Go get me a large pizza, you must," said Yoda. "Pepperoni, olives, pineapple, peppers, sausage, and triple extra cheese. Here, I'm starving. What am I, a monk?" 

Luke just stared for a moment and said, "Right. I'll go get you a pizza, then." 

He turned and walked out of the temple as quickly as he could go without actually running, as much to get away from the weird little goblin thing as to do what he wanted. He didn't glance back to see if the others were following. After several minutes of walking in random directions, he followed some advertisements to a pizza parlor. 

The being behind the counter was a roughly human-sized robot with various appendages that looked like kitchen implements. "*Bleep* May I take your order, dear?" 

"What did you call me?" 

"You are looking very handsome today, big boy," the robot droned. 

"Erm. Could you just get me a pizza, please?" 

"*Bleep* Certainly, lover-boy. What sort of toppings would it please you for me to add?" 

Luke rattled off the list of toppings the insect had given him, then stood safely behind the counter to watch the pizza-bot put together the food. Then he noticed that the cheese it was putting on the pizza was a strange greenish color. 

"What sort of cheese is that?" he asked. 

"Humoran moon cheese," Leia answered. "The most delicious type of cheese in the universe!" 

Luke didn't bother to ask how that was possible, and just asked, "If the moon is edible, why hasn't it all been eaten by now?" 

"Well, it's somewhat smaller than it used to be," C-3PO said. "But I'm sure it magically regenerates over time!" 

"Right," Luke muttered. 

The robot finished baking the pizza with a *bleep*, boxed it, and slid it across the counter. "Free for you, handsome!" 

"Erm. Thanks," Luke said, picking it up and heading out the door and back toward the temple. It was difficult to balance it with the pizza in one hand and the sword in the other. After hiking through the gardens, he went inside and handed it to them. "Here's your pizza." 

"Thanks," the strange little alien said. "Now, go, the universe you must save now!" 

"What, that's it?" 

"Expected otherwise, did you?" Yoda asked. "Some sort of mystical items, to help you in your valiant quest? A spell of protection? Me to go along and keep you from amputating yourself with that sword?" 

Luke glanced at the thing. "I'm not sure that's much of a danger. It's not even very sharp." 

"Get a really bad papercut from it, you could, and bleed to death," Yoda warned. 

"It wouldn't exactly be a papercut, since it's aluminum," Luke said. 

Han chimed in and said, "Arr. What be the point in coming here if we don't get any booty out of it?" 

The alien sighed. "Fine, fine. Around the temple, you may wander, and anything you find sitting in treasure chests in hidden passages, you may take." 

"That's more like it," Han said, grinning. He wandered off down a corridor. 

Luke shrugged and headed down a different hallway. It made about as much sense as anything did here. Although he wasn't particularly certain how he was supposed to find these hidden passages, since they were supposedly hidden. 

As he walked along, he spotted a sign on one wall that said, "Hidden Passage Here". He peered at the wall for a few moments before touching it, and discovered that his hand went through it as if it wasn't there. Shrugging again, he walked through it. 

On the other side, there was a large treasure chest. When he opened it, he found a suit of chainmail inside. It was extremely light, and he feared that it was made out of aluminum also. No matter. It had to have been put here for a reason, since it was so clearly marked. He slid it onto his body, and found that it fit perfectly. 

Luke left the secret passage and headed back to the main room. Leia and Han were just getting back, as well. Han was wearing a faintly glowing red amulet. Leia had found a large, shiny shield, that was so clear it was like a mirror. 

"Okay," Luke said. "Where to next?" 

"We are now ready to face down Evil Overlord Darth Vader at the Death Star!" C-3PO answered. 

"Wait, I thought you said you wouldn't be able to find him." 

"Well, once we're ready we'll just happen to run into it," C-3PO said. 

"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard," Luke commented. 

The droids teleported them back to their ship again. Luke sighed in resignation, sat down again, and strapped himself in. The ship made the hyperjump and the stars streaked past for several minutes before settling on an icy white planet. There was that moon-shaped space station in orbit again. 

A voice crackled over the speakers, "You cannot stop me! Muhahaha." 

Luke asked the droids, "Can we beam over there?" 

"Won't be necessary," C-3PO said. 

He suddenly found himself yanked across space to stand in front of an average-height man with a goatee. The interior of the ship was dark and gloomy, and several henchmen were meandering around pressing buttons and looking at consoles. 

"So you're the Evil Overlord Darth Vader?" Luke asked. 

"Show some respect!" snapped one of the minions. "This is the Evil Overlord of the Universe, Master of the Galaxy, the great Darth Vader! And he happens to be your father, too!" 

"My father?" Luke stared at him. 

"I told that I wanted to say that!" Vader growled. "You ruined my dramatic revelation!" He whipped out a sword and sliced off the minion's head. 

Luke rolled his eyes. "Well. Dad, apparently. This is stupid. Why am I even here?" 

"Because you are the Chosen One, the Savior of the Universe, and therefore I must kill you before you can kill me!" 

"You had plenty of opportunities to do so," Luke pointed out. 

"That's not how things are done," Vader retorted. "This will be a one-on-one duel to the death!" 

"I don't really feel like fighting to the death. Especially if you're my dad. Can't we just settle this over a nice game of chess, instead?" 

"No!" roared Vader. "Prepare to die, my son!" 

Luke turned and ran out the door. 

"Stop him, you fools, he's escaping!" 

Luke wondered briefly how they thought he was going to escape, and figured if they were afraid that he would, that there must be some way to get out of here. He found running awkward with his stupid sword, but didn't dare drop it, just in case it did have some sort of magical powers after all. Behind him, henchmen were shooting blasters in his general direction, and not managing to hit anything. 

He ducked inside a room, tripped over the door frame, and accidently impaled a minion on his sword. 

"Whoops, sorry about that," he told the corpse. 

There was a console in the center of the room labeled "Teleporter Controls". That was just great, he thought. After pressing a few buttons randomly, he found himself back on the droids' ship again. 

"You're alright!" Leia gasped. "Did you slay the evil villain?" 

Luke ignored him, and turned to the droids. "Why exactly did you give me a sword when everyone else has laser guns?" 

"It's tradition," C-3PO said. "The Hero and the Villain must always use swords." 

"That's stupid," Luke commented. 

Suddenly, the form of Darth Vader shimmered into existence in front of them. "Aha!" he cried, pointing at Luke. "You cannot escape from me!" 

Han drew his cutlass. "Arrrr, ye bilge rat, I'll make ye walk the plank!" 

"I don't think that's exactly possible on a spaceship," Luke said. 

Vader said, "First, however, you must defeat my top lieutenants." Three more figures appeared between them and Vader. 

Luke sighed. "You know, this is really getting tiresome. I mean, this was funny and all at first, but I'd really like to wake up around now, as it's pretty apparent that I'm asleep and this is some strange alcohol-induced dream." 

"Do not mock me, my son!" Vader roared. 

The minions attacked them. Han swung his cutlass and killed the first one in one slash. Leia chanted and incinerated the other two with a ball of white flame. Luke stood there staring. He wondered when the princess got the ability to cast spells. 

"Your friends are mighty and powerful, my son, but you must face me alone," Vader said. 

"Why?" 

"That's just the way things are done." 

"They're standing right here, why do I have to--" Suddenly, his surroundings changed, and he was back on the Death Star. "--oh. Well. That would be a reason." 

"Now. Prepare to die, my son!" Vader boomed. 

"Can't we talk this over, Dad?" Luke said, circling him. 

Vader abruptly went down. Luke stood there blinking in surprise and looked down, and realized that the man had tripped over the corpse of the henchman he had decapitated in the dark, and one of his shoes had come off. 

"Damnit, damnit," Vader swore as he clambered to his feet again. He listed rather heavily without the large platform shoe on his right foot. "Don't laugh at me!" 

"I wasn't laughing," Luke said. 

"You were laughing inside! I know it!" 

Luke sighed and rolled his eyes. "Why exactly do you want to take over the universe, anyway?" 

Vader retrieved his shoe and put it back on hastily. "I don't want to take over the universe. I just want all the beer." 

"Beer," Luke said flatly. 

"That's right." 

"You're going around blowing up planets, for beer?" 

"Well, no. I just blew them up because they had bad beer." 

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard," Luke commented. "And considering some of the things I've heard lately, that's saying something." 

"See! I told you you were laughing." 

"I didn't say I was laughing, I just said I thought it was stupid. After all, what if they have good beer, too?" 

Vader thought about that for a moment. "Hmm. I never thought of that." 

"See? You might be missing out on all that great beer, just because they had some bad beer." 

"You are most wise, my son," Vader intoned. "Therefore I shall appoint you my top lieutenant, and we shall scour the galaxy for beer together!" 

"That's the best suggestion I've heard all day, Dad," Luke said.


End file.
